lonely day.

hi everyone.

it’s been more than a year since i last wrote but i don’t think anyone reads what i’m writing so i don’t think anyone has noticed.

i’m feeling a little lonely today. probably cause i got my period so my hormones are acting up.

the guy whom i borrowed a paper from, he is in my class and course class now and we’re good friends, i guess. he makes me sort of nervous. i’m scared of offending him. probably because we are not so close yet. same happened with a girl in my new class.

i find myself feeling really worthless each time i see another girl on internet who seems to have a better life than mine, in other people’s opinion-which is a really stupid thing to feel, because this is just so relative. for some reason, this doesn’t happen with people in real life, probably because they too live in Turkey so they have nothing i could be jealous about. anyway, so i ended up deleting my facebook and interpals and now i feel a little better i guess. i feel better with dicipline, when i don’t let my feelings or desires control myself.

because feelings are delusions and always mess your life up.

i wish i didn’t let my feelings control myself in the past. i did it because i was taught it would make you happy, in books and in movies. i’m glad i learnt it in such young age.

”such a lonely day should be banned

it’s a day that i can’t stand”

diary.

hey everyone.

I am better than today and hopefully worse than tomorrow.

I thought I made a friend but apparently I didn’t.

The problem about my level in English is 50% solved.

My anxiety is better than today and hopefully worse than tomorrow…XD

Today a girl in the class talked to me a little. She told me that I was quiet. Seemingly she is good at lessons, but she has a really low social intelligence , because she talks so loudly and I hate it a lot when someone talks loudly in a conversation, because others might hear what we’re talking.

The guy behind me changed seats with her- that was her idea. The guy didn’t say anything he just agreed. He seems like me actually. But the girl -B- seems to be more interested about him, which is a really good thing, because communicating with people kills all my energy.

Me and my Polish bf-let’s call him P- are  doing pretty fine. I might tell about him in another boring entry.

I am still worried that I couldn’t study in the first 2 years of high school because I was dealing with anxiety&depression for whole these years.

School year just started and everyone is studying so much. I feel really nervous.

I don’t even care about not getting good grades or going to a good university. All I care is my parents’ feelings and what my classmates will think about me.

Nowadays I’m into Sleep Dealer, my favourite song is ‘Nozomi (Hope)’ I really like its video.

So that was today basically. Thank you everyone who was patient to read all these stuff.

I hope everyone is doing well with high school drama.

My Pathetic High School Life

hey everyone.

Today my mood’s a bit down so I’m sorry that this is not going to be a very happy entry. I have a big need to tell what happened today to someone, but I can’t tell anything negative to my parents or my friends, not even to my boyfriend, because I don’t wanna make them upset, as I don’t want them to worry about me.

Today my school started and I have a new class. I haven’t ever met almost anyone in my class before, so I wasn’t really able to make any friends.

First let me explained how I ruined my high school life before I knew it:

There is a prep class in my school. Me and some people -my friend D is one of them- took an exam to pass the prep class and like 6 of us did. So after 3 weeks of prep class I took the exam and went to another class, and it was like the worst classes I have ever been in and even though I had people I could hang out with, I was feeling really alone and sad and I was pretty suicidal.

So the next year I changed my class. It was like the best class I have been in and I made a looot of friends so it was nice. But this year -third year, fourth class- I had to change my class again : I am no longer gonna have science classes, like the others in my new class.

So basically, my class is made of the students gathered from 9 classes who wanna study mostly law in university. There are five people from my old class: pretty girl who doesn’t like to talk to you because she probably thinks you’re a loser (or she is actually a shy person when it comes to communicating to one person, because she seems perfectly fine when it comes to talking in the class) and she still complains she is ALL alone.

There are 3 kinds of girls in my class:

a)idiots. who seem like pretty hardworking but who have a really low social intelligence and who aren’t aware of most of the stuff I find important (like how someone could feel after a thing you say to them) I won’t judge more. This is only my first impression.

b)sluts. I bet you know them.

c)girls who came to class with their old friends so they hang out together and don’t talk to anyone else

It really seems like I am going to be alone whole year. I wanted this, but I am still afraid to face. Being alone is a great pressure.

And there are also some guys I don’t talk often to.

The reason I couldn’t make friends is this year with the help and support of my boyfriend, *tuttururuuu* I stopped wearing masks. I used to make myself do stuff I didn’t wanted to do and force myself to talk to people I didn’t wanted to talk, and it was a great pressure. Now that I am fully myself I kinda feel naked, you know?

Long story short: My new class sucks. I only went there for one day and I don’t ever wanna go, ever again. The thing is, this is how I knew it was going to be. I wanted it to be like that. I am not like ‘why is this happening?’ or anything, I just find it a little hard to be myself after all these years of wearing masks and lying about how I feel. (Well the only thing I ever said to someone in my class was: ‘can you give me a sheet?’ to the guy-he seems like an introvert- for the composition we were gonna write in literature. I literally didn’t say anything else to any of my classmates whole day) I only want to get stronger and deal with being an introvert in a culture that expects everyone to be outgoing. *welcome to Turkey yayy*

I am telling myself not to care about anyone and make mistakes & learn how to deal with them. I am panicking all the time. Our literature teacher seems to be a nice person, he made us write a free topic composition. He promised that he was not gonna give us notes and said only he was gonna read them. I was relaxed and I started writing about the difference between ”shy” and ”introvert” and named it the riot of the quiet girl, pretty lame name, I know, I just couldn’t think of anything else.

Worst thing happened today was probably that my literature teacher asked ‘why I looked so miserable’. I smiled and told him I was not miserable, but he didn’t believe and asked if I was always like this or was it just today. *dying whale noise*

I remembered that part in Daria.

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The thing is, you shouldn’t say that in front of a class, okay? Some people really can’t understand how outsiders may feel. I am an introvert. I am perfectly fine with being alone. I just want others to be fine with me being alone, too. Like in that song of Three Days Grace, ”I don’t need your condescending words about me looking lonely.”

I want to be alone without being afraid of it. I heard somewhere, the true definiton of being free is ‘doing the right thing without caring about what others might think about you.” Not forcing myself to be anything I don’t want to be -like wearing that mask and acting like the cute-talkative girl- is the right thing in my condition.

I really have to stop about worrying what others think about me. This is like my only big problem.

Writing makes everything easier and less scary for me, it’s why I wanted to share my day on internet. I also wrote a little to my diary but I want to feel that some people are actually seeing these, maybe there are even people who feel the same way but they think they are alone.

I am planning to be more active. First reason I decided this is that maybe, there is only a little chance that some people are actually reading these and relate to them. (Maybe even find the things I write helpful? Who knows XD) The second reason is that I have to improve my English – there is a complicated thing going on about my English level , which is also about me passing the prep class, and it gives me panic attacks. I hope I will be able to fix it soon, I am a catastrophic thinker and I am getting more and more stressed as time passes by. Even if the thing I am stressing about is not such a big deal, I think a lot about it and it makes me nervous.

I love you all, anyone who read these, even if you liked it or not, thank you.

I hope I will feel better and stronger the next time and I hope you guys are all doing very well.

 

Favourite 5 Books

Hi everyone! Because i am an incorrigible bookworm, I have a lot to write about books, but first I wanted to write my first top 5 favourite books. I definitely recommend you all of these books. I also will write a little about the books but don’t worry, there won’t be any spoilers. Hope you enjoy 🙂

 

1.Madonna In  A Fur Coat (Sabahattin ALI)

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I believe ‘Madonna In A Fur Coat’ is one of the best books ever written and anyone can enjoy reading this book.

The book is about a Turkish man (Raif Efendi) who goes to Germany to find a job and one day, sees a painting in an art exhibition that really influences him: a self portrait. Later he starts staring at the portrait every day and one day meets with its artist, Maria Puder.

 

2. The Book Thief (Markus ZUSAK)

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‘First the colours.Then the humans. That’s usually how I see things.Or at least, how I try.’

The Book Thief might be the book that has the most affect on me. Death is one of my favourite characters of all the time and I’d really want to hear more of such a character… Let’s hope Zusak never stops writing 🙂

The book is about a German girl, Liesel, who thinks stealing a book is a way of deserving it. Her mother brings her to live with another family and she makes new friends and experiences being a child during war.

 

3. Never Let Me Go (Kazuo ISHIGURO)

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I first watched its movie but i can say the book and the movie are both amazing. I won’t say anything because a little thing might be a bad spoiler.

The book is about ‘people who accept and go on’. Kath is my favourite character of all the time. She is very similar to me, but she is a lot stronger and though the book is set in a very, very dull place, the characters still make great memories.

It’s sort of a science fiction and if you are expecting romance, don’t. Because there is only a little bit of romance in the whole book. All in all, i absolutely recommend you to read.

 

4. The Particular Sadness Of The Lemon Cake (Aimee BENDER)

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Yayy for another favourite character! Rose has an amazing ability to sense people’s feelings by eating food they cook. I love the book because it has a lovely atmosphere and an original topic. I hope they translate Bender’s other books as sson as possible 🙂

“On the eve of her ninth birthday, unassuming Rose Edelstein, a girl at the periphery of schoolyard games and her distracted parents’ attentions, bites into her mother’s homemade lemon-chocolate cake and discovers she has a gift: she can taste her mother’s emotions in the cake. But her gift is no blessing, for her mother – her cheerful, good-with-crafts, can-do mother – tastes of despair and desperation. Suddenly, and for the rest of her life, food becomes a peril and a threat to Rose.”–Back cover.

5. Forty Rules Of Love (Elif SHAFAK)

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Forty Rules Of Love is about  how Ella, a married American woman with 3 children who doesn’t believe in love, learns about love in a book ‘Sweet Blasphemy’ written by an anonymous person who lives in the Netherlands. I recommend everybody who wonders what love actually is to read this book. It is spiritual, mystical and totally amazing.

***

If you read any of these, let me know what you think about them.

see you soon

WHAT NOT TO DO

Today i want to write about something that has been on my mind for a long time: The person i do not want to become when i grow up. As a teen i spend a lot of time thinking who i am and who i wanna be when i grow up. I love my mum but i can’t say i ever took her as a role model. not even as a child. This might be a kind of complaint full of self pitying but this is my blog and i am not begging you to read these so here are some stuff i decided to avoid doing:

1. discouraging

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I don’t remember my parents ever couraged me in any of my decisions. When i try to go on a diet, mum buys food with a lot of calories, when i don’t care about my weight she makes fun of my body, she always complains about how much i read and when i said i wanted to wear hijab we argued for days and a lot more other similar stuff. All of these ended by me deciding not to tell anything about myself to my mum again.

***

so unless you’re sure that something is bad for someone, please don’t discourage anybody. I know people do this because they care, but show that you care by explaining, not by hurting.

2. being careless

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I have been struggling with depression, self harm and anxiety for more than 3 years, and nobody believed i wasn’t an attention seeker, i was actually sick until last year, same time i started going to a therapist and a psychiatrist and using medicine.

When i have for example very high fever or when i am feeling really sick, my mom gets super angry and tells me to take pills & doesn’t talk to me normally &always shouts, blames and complains til i get better. Not the best cure, i must say. She never asks me what’s wrong. Imagine: your daughter doesn’t speak, laugh, tell you anything, hang out with her friends, want to leave her bed, do homework, instead she cuts herself or stares at the wall or ceiling for minutes for years.

But i didn’t wanna be like that. I never wanted to be like that, so i tried to tell her, which usually ended up a)mom interrupting the moment i started and changed the subject or b)me crying and mum shouting. She says, there’s nothing i can be sad about and i am a very bad child, so to be a normal and a good child, i stopped talking to her about my feelings.

***

I think we should talk more about psychology. Because something little you say or do can affect someone’s life a lot, so we should remember to be kind all the time, because everyone has their own little or big problems. We can’t say someone is happy by their smile. If you love and care about someone, just ask. Show that you care. Show that you will do anything to help. LISTEN. The person may be waiting for someone to do so for a long time.

3. never trusting

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I don’t know if i should explain this. I’ve just had one ldr which i currently have and i don’t go out, i don’t smoke, drink, do anything bad people in my age does, i have the friends parents would like their children to have and my parents STILL don’t trust me at all. when i wrote diaries my mum would read everything and she locked herself in her room to read my messages on my phone few times, which is pretty heartbreaking.

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Caring about someone and prying into someone’s affairs are too very different things.

4. deciding for others

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‘you like that?’

‘but that’s not your style’

‘come on, we are going shopping’

(i hate shopping. and i hate shopping when i am feeling sad, tired or when i am on my period, but apparently that doesn’t make any difference)

‘we are going beach this summer. you don’t like beach? but it will be fun. of course we are going’

This is something my mum does all the time. I hate going out, especially with my family. But if mom tells me to go somewhere, do something, wear this, buy that, it HAS TO BE done. She doesn’t care if I don’t like it or if I am feeling sick or depressed or whatever, i have no right to decide what to do with my own life, which makes me have no desire to live at all.

***

Nobody is your robot. None of us have the right to control others’ lives.I see a lot of people living with the pressure of their friends, families, coaches, whatever. If you are one of these people try to keep calm and be stubborn. I know it is hard, but try t0 explain how you feel. Because the more you let this happen, the more you’ll lose the control of your life.

5. making fun of people

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That is probably the biggest reason and i don’t really want to talk about this, for it makes me really sad, but i am only gonna say laughing and making fun at someone who is crying under her pillow is NOT helping. I am gonna tell my opinions about how not to help someone with depression in another text.

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We all know making fun of someone’s appearance, dreams, thoughts or feelings make them really sad and insecure, so why do that? You can see someone laughing when you make fun of them but you can’t know if they cry in the night.

6. complaining

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I know what i am doing here is also an actual way of complaining, but it’s the first time i am doing it, if that counts as an excuse. These things have been inside of me for years and now i can’t stand it anymore.

I don’t want to be someone who is never satisfied and who always complains. That’s pretty disappointing for people who are trying to make you happy, if you know what i mean.

***

Easy one: Smiling at someone can really make someone’s day. Or if they’re a hugger -like me- hugging them can actually make them super happy. One time when i was really depressed and constantly thinking about suicide, a girl in my class hugged me and told me she loved me, and i can’t even explain how happy i got by this. It actually changed my life and gave me energy for the next few weeks.

I think that was all. I hope it helps anyone (though I have  no idea how this can help anybody)

i hope you’re all having a good day ^‿^